The Summer We Were More
by furyofthetimelords
Summary: Clary and Isabelle have always been best friends, but then somewhere along the line, things changed. [or, that small town summer romance au] Written for the Femslash Big Bang.


The Summer We Were More

The heatwave had been going on a solid week before anyone had bothered to try and do anything about it. This summer, the heat had been like nothing else, so hot it was like hellfire. It came in long, lingering days that reduced people to their laziest, so that all there was to do was sit under a fan and sip iced tea until it was all over.

Naturally, Isabelle Lightwood was the one to suggest the perfect solution.

"We should have a lake party," she announced on the seventh day of the heatwave from her bedroom floor in the middle of the afternoon.

"That's genius," Clary said, turning her head to face her best friend. The two of them had been sitting in silence for the past hour, too exhausted by the heat to say much of anything. All they'd been doing was staring at Izzy's sorry excuse for a fan, but in a town like Idris, this was as good as it got.

There weren't many placed more backward than this.

"I know," Isabelle replied. "I just wanted to make sure you were in."

"Of course I would be," Clary said. As if there could be any other way. She'd do anything for her best friend. They'd always been together, never spending more than a few hours apart. One simply couldn't be seen without the other. It was a simple fact of life, like Isabelle's tall frame or Clary's red hair.

"Good," Isabelle said with a smile. "I'll call Jace and the others. They'll round everyone up. Maybe you can even convince your Simon to come."

"He's not my anything," Clary replied hastily. No matter what anyone, even Izzy, liked to think, there was nothing going on between her and Simon. He was her friend and that was that, no matter if he wanted differently. Clary knew he did; she'd seen the way he'd look at her out of the corner of his eye, the subtle blushes every time they got close. She'd seen enough of the way most boys looked at Isabelle to recognise the exact same look in Simon. Only this time, this adoration seemed to be directed at her.

Part of her did wish it could be different but Simon was just so _Simon_ that she couldn't comprehend a relationship with him. It was impossible.

"Well bring him anyway, he's kinda cute now," Isabelle said with the tone that Clary knew all too well—the tone that always lead to illicit kissing in the dark and maybe even more, depending on Izzy's mood on the night.

"Don't break him," Clary said. "Simon's too sweet."

"Sweet on you," Isabelle replied with a suggestive wink.

"I'm not going to go out with him."

"I never said you had to, but you could kiss him. Give it a little taste. Maybe you'll like it," Izzy said, waggling her eyebrows at Clary.

"I doubt that. Simon wouldn't know what to do anyway. He hasn't really had any experience."

"Well I could supply. Break him in a little."

"He's not a horse, Iz."

Isabelle laughed, a golden sound that made Clary smile despite herself, any feelings of annoyance fading away with that one sound.

"Whatever you say," Isabelle said. "Anyway, let's get everyone in. This is going to be big."

/

Isabelle's plans, like always, managed to exceed normal expectations. The night itself had comer with an alarming speed, but Isabelle had managed to call everyone together, anyone who was anyone was at this party. It probably helped that Idris was just such a small place, but it still never ceased to surprise Clary how well Isabelle could get people to do things. She was a bright and burning light, pulling people in like moths to a flame.

Clary often fancied that Isabelle was probably a siren in another life, luring sailors from their ships into the sea below. Hell, even Clary would've followed Izzy anywhere, uncaring of the consequences.

The party itself was amazing, something better than Clary would've imagined for a place like Idris. The strings of Christmas lights Isabelle had found in some old box where hung up in the trees, adding a new set of stars to the night, along with the bonfire that burned bright on the sand. People gathered around it, dancing along with the music blaring from a set of speakers someone had found somewhere.

Clary was beside Isabelle, dancing and laughing along. Other people swarmed around them, but mostly Izzy. She was the true centre of all of this, no matter how it might look. Isabelle Lightwood was the siren and she didn't even need to sing—people just gravitated toward her.

"Hey Clary, Isabelle," a voice from beside Clary said. She turned her head to see none other than Simon Lewis. He looked alarmingly out of place here, his graphic spider-man tee contrasting with all the scantily clad people around him.

"Good to see you too, Simon," Clary replied.

"What's with the shirt? This is a _lake_ party, Simon," Isabelle said, cutting right to the point.

"Oh, I just didn't think I'd be swimming," Simon replied, going red as he took in Isabelle's dress. Clary wanted to roll her eyes. Sure, Isabelle looked magnificent, but Simon was looking at her like he'd never seen a girl before.

"It's called a _lake_ party for a reason, surely Clary told you that much," Isabelle said. "Now you're gonna have to get rid of that shirt."

Simon sort of stuttered for a moment and it was then Clary knew he was pretty much under Isabelle's spell. Clary felt something twist in her gut as she watched them, but she pushed it back. Isabelle could flirt with Simon. She didn't mind at all. No, she'd just stand there and add in a few words, politely act like she was still a sort of part of the conversation and then leave.

Clary scanned the beach, looking for someone else she could drag over and talk to. Her eyes met Jace Herondale's and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks. Jace was the kind of golden attractive god that no one dared touch, not really. He also happened to be Isabelle's adopted brother.

He didn't look away from her, not like she expected him too. Instead he met her gaze head on and walked over. For a moment, she wasn't sure what to do, but then Isabelle squeezed her hand out of nowhere and she felt bold enough again.

"Hey," he said with a voice as smooth as honey.

"Hi," she replied. "I didn't think you would come."

"And miss out on all of this?" he said, waving his arms around. "I might not always be on the best of terms with Iz, but she's one hell of a party planner."

"True," she said. "She insisted. It's summer after all."

"Yeah, all the more reason to have fun," he said with a smile. Clary almost didn't believe it. Jace was flirting with her. Her mind couldn't quite process it, but then she remembered Isabelle's hand squeezing her own and she felt brave again.

"So what should we do?" she said.

"I think we should go swimming," Isabelle said, cutting in.

"Good idea," Simon said, but then frowned. "I didn't bring the right shorts."

"They'll dry out soon enough. Or don't wear them if you're that worried," Isabelle replied.

Simon turned beet red. Clary almost felt sorry for him.

"This is a _lake _party and you didn't bring the right shorts?" Jace asked with an edge to his voice. He'd never really liked Simon, mostly because of the stereotypical Jock/Nerd thing between them. That's just how it was, nevermind they used to get along well enough before Jace joined the football team.

"I didn't think I'd be swimming," Simon said, embarrassed.

"Don't bother him, Jace. Let's just go swimming," Isabelle cut in and then pulled off her own dress for effect, revealing her perfect black bikini. Simon couldn't stop stating.

"Whatever, Iz," Jace said and pulled off his tee. Naturally, he was already wearing swim shorts and gave Clary a wink when he saw her watching him. She blushed, but she wasn't quite sure how she felt about him paying attention to her. Part of her just wanted to leave this party behind and take Izzy with her to go and talk somewhere away from this.

Clary shrugged off her own dress and pretended to ignore Jace's eyes raking her body.

"Let's go," Isabelle said, linking her arms with Clary and Simon. To be polite, Clary linked her arm with Jace, dragging him along as Isabelle led them to the water. In that moment, Clary wished she could be as fearless as her best friend, who was always so bold and completely sure of herself, especially in a situation like this.

Soon enough, the four of them were in the lake, the water reaching almost to Clary's chest. A few other people moved further into the water, following Isabelle's lead, mostly girls trying to look cool and a few guys who hovered around hoping to hit on Isabelle. Of course Isabelle had noticed it already; Clary saw it in the way Isabelle walked carefully, swinging her hips a little exaggeratedly as well as the way she stood a little taller in the water, like she was truly some kind of siren.

It was hard not be transfixed by Isabelle, especially in how confident she was. Isabelle was like some kind of sun, outshining anything and everyone who got too close, especially now, Clary thought, watching her best friend glide flawlessly in the water.

She watched on as her best friend dived under the water, resurfacing like a pro and swinging her long hair back in a mermaid-style flick. A few other girls followed her lead, while others watched on enviously.

"Clary? Hello?" Jace asked, startling her.

"What?" she asked.

"You're staring," he stated.

"I'm not," she replied, her face turning bright red.

Jace laughed softly. "I know how you feel about her. I'm not blind." He whispered in her ear.

Clary sighed and pulled him away from the crowd a little, out of anyone's earshot. It seemed there was no point in lying now. "I didn't think I was that obvious. Besides, she's my friend."

"So? Best friends always make the best couples."

"You're forgetting something. Isabelle doesn't like girls," Clary stated. It was obvious Isabelle wasn't like that; she liked to seduce boys, no one else. In fact, she was doing it right now, whispering in Simon's ear before pulling him further into the water.

"I know my sister Clary, and I can assure you she's not as straight as she wants you to believe. It's all for show."

Clary's heart beat faster. She wanted so badly to believe Jace's words, but they sounded too good to be true. It had to be a lie.

"Jace, _that_ is not for show," she said, pointing to where Isabelle and Simon were, where Isabelle was currently in the process of seducing Simon.

"I think it is. She's just scared that if she does anything else she'll get kicked out. It was what Alec was afraid of. It's why he left," Jace said simply.

"_Alec_ is gay?" Clary said incredulously, thinking back to Isabelle's sullen older brother who'd lived in Idris up until last summer. But then again, Clary knew that it wasn't as simple as just _looking_ to know someone's sexuality. There was no hidden clue to tell if that girl was a lesbian, or if that boy was gay. No secret markers for bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals or otherwise. It was a wild stab in the dark, one that Clary knew would lead to disappointment more often than not.

Besides, she knew how it was according to a place like this. Girls weren't supposed to fall for anyone but boys. That was supposed to be the way she lived, according to the small-town world of Idris. In fact, Clary knew she could probably live that life, to find a boy and fall in love; it wasn't like she wasn't attracted to them. The only problem in a life like that would be the secrets. She'd have to pretend girls didn't catch her eyes too, sometimes more often than boys.

Then of course, there was the matter of Isabelle Lightwood. Beautiful and out of reach, she was something else. Something Clary knew she couldn't have, no matter how much her heart felt otherwise.

Jace raised an eyebrow. "You didn't know?"

"I didn't. Isabelle didn't talk about it much," Clary replied, thinking back to the nights last summer when Isabelle would turn up at some late hour, sneaking in through her window with tears pooling in her eyes.

They'd never talked about those nights after they happened. In fact, they'd become something of an elephant in the room, something neither of them were willing to acknowledge.

"Well, that's why he left. He was scared they'd find out about his boyfriend, Magnus," Jace replied. "I honestly don't think they'd have reacted that badly, but Alec has always been stubborn. He was too scared to take the chance."

"But you're missing the point. How is Isabelle gay?"

"I think she called it pansexual, but that's beside the point. I know she likes you."

Clary didn't know what to say. "She doesn't like me like that."

Jace looked at her pointedly. "She does, believe me. I know my sister and she likes you too."

"She should've told me something, I mean not about liking me, but just anything about this."

"I guess she was scared of making things weird," Jace replied. "I'm sure you get that."

"I get it, really. Although if you knew I liked her, then why were you checking me out?"

"Because you look good," Jace said with a wink. "I would hit on you, but I see you like Izzy too much. So despite my stunning good looks, I know I can't compete with that kind of thing."

Clary laughed. "I'm starting to like you."

"They always do," he said with a wink. "You want something to drink?"

"I'm good," Clary replied. "Besides, someone's got to make sure Izzy is okay later."

Jace just smiled. "I'd offer but I think I'd rather trust you. You've always been sensible, Clary."

Clary smiled. Jace didn't seem so bad now, especially since he was just here alone. Jace had always been vastly more tolerable that way, when he wasn't with anyone he was trying to show off to. It was why she'd never really taken much time to talk to him. Mostly she kept to Isabelle, as she'd always been somewhat intimidated by Jace, with his golden looks and all-star status. But yet here he was, acting surprisingly nice. Maybe she'd simply underestimated him.

"Good to know someone thinks so," she replied with a smile. "I guess I'll see you around."

"Sure will," Jace replied with a wink. "Now go make a move with my sister."

Clary went bright red at his statement, but she didn't say anything else, just stood there as she watched him leave. It was not an entirely unpleasant conversation, which she was grateful for, most people in this town would have used it as a chance to call her a sinner and sell her to their church.

After Jace had vanished into the crowd, Clary decided it was probably time to hunt down Isabelle. The party had been going on long enough that Izzy was probably on the drunker side of tipsy, although nothing dangerous yet. Still, it probably wouldn't hurt to check up on her and make sure she was alright. Besides, Clary wasn't sure she could trust Simon. He didn't really come across as the kind of guy

Clary scanned the lake, looking through the throng of bodies hoping to find Isabelle. Realising she'd probably drifted away from the crowd to hook up with Simon, Clary decided she needed to move further out. Moving past the dancing crowd and beyond the scattering of couples making out in the water, Clary spotted Isabelle way out, almost a speck in the distance. Simon was with her and from what Clary could see they were right into it.

Blushing, Clary looked away and moved back towards the crowd until she could barely see Isabelle and Simon. Part of her wanted to go and find Isabelle, to drag her back here and kiss her, to tell her exactly how she felt, but she knew that probably wouldn't have been a good idea. Besides, there were people around and there was no way she would risk anything like that in front of them. Jace might have been okay with it, but that didn't mean the rest of them would be.

Clary wasn't blind; she knew just how dangerous anything but being straight in a town like this could be. It suffocated her sometimes, but she did her best to pretend it didn't exist. It was survival, pure and simple. But that didn't mean it was so easy to leave. Part of her wanted to just stay here forever, to never take any risks and just live how she was. It felt safe, safer than trying to leave everything she'd ever known, even if it was suffocating.

"Hey, Clary!" Isabelle said, suddenly in front of her. She was leaning a little drunkenly against Simon, who looked pretty dazed himself. He waved shyly at Clary. She wondered what the two of them had been up to, but since Isabelle's bikini top was still on and tied, she assumed there wasn't much going on. Or maybe Simon had tied it back up for her.

The thought made Clary's heart ache a little. However, she pushed it back and gave Izzy a smile, as bright and big as she could muster.

"Clary," Isabelle said, slurring it a little before hiccupping. "Come with meee."

"You've got Simon with you," Clary pointed out.

"He helped me find you," she said with a smile. Simon nodded to confirm Isabelle's story.

"She wanted to see you," he said. "I should go."

Simon didn't say much more, instead pushing Isabelle off him and making sure she was standing upright before moving away. He gave a small wave and disappeared into the crowd of people. Clary wondered what Isabelle had said to make him disappear so easily.

"Come on, let's go, Clary," Isabelle said, reaching out for Clary's hand and tugging at it.

"You're drunk, Iz," Clary stated.

"Only a little," Isabelle said, waving her hand. "So, we should go someplace."

"Where?" Clary asked, wondering what on earth Isabelle was talking about.

"Somewhere else, like, out of here," Isabelle said. "I don't want to be around people. Just you."

"I'll take you home, then," Clary suggested. "We can be alone there."

Isabelle suddenly brightened. "Okay."

"Good," Clary said.

"Bye!" Isabelle called out to the party, waving enthusiastically. People waved back, a few shouting a goodbye. It was amazing just how magnetically popular Isabelle was, making people do something like that.

/

By the time Clary got Izzy home, it was getting closer to dawn. Clary guessed they had a few hours at most before first light. The sky was still full of stars, each one a bright pinpoint in the darkness. The moon was out too, up above them like the pupil of some godly eye, impassive and absolute.

For a moment, Clary felt overwhelmed with the enormity of it all. It hadn't seemed so big during the party, where there were lights and people to balance out the vastness of the sky. Now, it seemed infinite, stretching on forever while she stayed here, impossibly small.

"It's so pretty," Isabelle murmured. Her drunkenness had slowly worn off on the drive home as she'd been curled up in the back seat of Clary's car. Now, she was almost sober. It never ceased to amaze Clary how fast Isabelle bounced back from something like that.

"Yeah," Clary replied, jiggling the window frame until it gave. "Now get in."

"Thanks," Isabelle replied and pulled her long, elegant body indoors. Clary averted her eyes, looking pointedly at the stars above, trying to pick out constellations.

"I should go," Clary stated, wondering if Isabelle had forgotten about her strange plea to have some alone time with her at the party. It was a strange request, when Clary thought about it. Isabelle normally liked to either be right at the centre of the crowd with Clary by her side, or out in some corner, pointedly alone with her current hook-up.

"No, stay," Isabelle said, waving Clary in.

"I thought you'd want to sleep it off. I can get home on my own."

"Clary, you're tired and it's like, twenty miles to your place. There is no way you're driving," Isabelle insisted.

"If you say so," Clary said with a shrug and pushed herself up onto the windowsill. It took a few attempts, but she eventually got up, after cursing her own shortness a few dozen times.

"Here, let me help you in," Isabelle said, putting her hands on Clary's waist.

"I can do this myself," Clary said, feeling a little embarrassed at their proximity. Normally, she could be okay with this closeness, but thinking about what Jace had said made her insides feel like liquid.

"No, you'll just fall over again," Isabelle stated. "And I don't want blood on the floor. It's a pain to clean."

Clary rolled her eyes, but accepted the help, letting Isabelle pull her into the room. When her feet finally touched the floor, Isabelle removed her hands quickly. Clary could still feel the places Izzy's fingers had touched her tingle.

Isabelle didn't seem to be affected by it, instead moving quietly to her dresser and pulling out a shirt. Without a second's hesitation, Isabelle's dress and bikini top were off, then the shirt pulled on hastily afterwards. Clary barely saw a flash of skin. Then, all of a sudden, another shirt was thrown her way.

"Use that. It's yours anyway," Isabelle said, climbing into her twin-sized bed.

Clary looked down at the shirt. It was something she'd forgotten from one sleepover or another. She didn't know at this point. Half her stuff was divided between here and her own home, anyway.

Climbing into the bed beside Isabelle, Clary suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of safety. Times like this, the universe felt perfectly _right_. Being with Isabelle, romantically or not, was just a fact of life. It didn't matter that tomorrow might be awful and the heat could make living unbearable, so long as Isabelle was here, she was going to be okay.

/

Daylight was streaming through the window by the time Clary woke up. She glanced over at the clock on the bedside table, the numbers blinking 10:00 in bright green.

Clary tried to sit up in bed, but suddenly found it hard to do. A pair of long arms was wrapped around her, pinning her down. She turned her head to the side, face nearly colliding with Isabelle's chest.

For a moment, she was sure she was dreaming. Clary pinched her leg. Yep, it was definitely real.

_I know my sister and I'm pretty sure she likes you too_

Jace's words wouldn't stop playing in her head. Though she felt almost nervous, Clary didn't want the moment to end. It was perfect, or almost so. The only thing that could make this better was actually _being_ Isabelle's.

Instead of getting up like she knew she should've, Clary selfishly lay there another moment, closing her eyes and pretending this was some other world where she and Isabelle were together, that this was just another morning.

However, when Izzy started to move, Clary felt her own heart rate increase. What would Isabelle say to this? It wasn't like last night, when she could've just brushed it off. Taking a chance, Clary did her best to loosen Izzy's grip on her.

Her arms feel away and Clary breathed a sigh of relief as she got out of Izzy's bed. There was no way she'd have been able to brush off something like that.

"Hey?" Isabelle murmured, rolling over to face Clary.

"What?" Clary asked.

"Why'd you get up? It's like, ten," Isabelle replied.

"Because it's ten, Iz, I don't want to be late," Clary lied.

"Late for what? It's a Saturday. And _summer_," Isabelle complained. "Get back to bed. You're making me feel bad."

"I promised Luke I'd help clean out the barn today," Clary said. It was half a truth. She_ had_ promised Luke she'd help him clean out the barn, just not exactly today.

"Why'd you do it the day after my party? Surely Luke wouldn't mind. He can live without you helping out."

"I just promised Iz."

"Fine," Isabelle said with a roll of her eyes. "I'll see you later."

"Of course," Clary replied, smoothing out her shirt so it didn't look too badly slept in. "I'll be back around three or something."

/

When she arrived home, Luke wasn't there. Normally, her mother's boyfriend was always around the place, doing every kind of chore imaginable, even ones Clary hadn't thought were important at all. In fact, without Luke, this place would have been sold off years ago and sent to some developers who surely would've turned it into a gated community.

Clary smiled at the memories, the look on Luke's face when he told her mother he intended to help her keep this place afloat, the magic he'd worked to get them out of debt and turned her home back into a proper, workable farm.

Jocelyn, however, was around. She was sitting on the porch reading the local paper with a glass of iced tea at her side, looking every bit like the Idris-born and raised woman she often tried so hard not to be. Like many families in Idris, her mother's had been here for generations, farming and cultivating the land to what it was, building up their own little world out here in the middle of nowhere.

However, Jocelyn had rebelled against that and ran away in the middle of the night, hitchhiking all the way to the city. She'd stayed there for years, changed her name to Fray from Fairchild, and tried to erase everything about her life before. Clary wasn't sure of exactly why, but Jocelyn had come back. She'd turned up again one day like she'd never been away, this time with a newborn child: Clary.

When Clary looked at her mother, she was reminded of the possibilities of leaving, the freedom of escaping, but also the inevitability of coming back here. People who left rarely stayed gone, they always came back for some reason or another. Most who managed to get away got as far as college then headed right on back home, nevermind the fancy big-dream plans they'd had. They always ended up back here.

Clary was determined to get out herself, but she had no idea how. Mostly all her plans involved going away to college and never coming back, finding a place so far removed from Idris that it could stop being her world.

"You're home earlier than I expected," Jocelyn commented, not looking up.

"I thought I'd help Luke out, but I guess he's not here," Clary lied. It was always best to be consistent with these things.

"He's out helping the Blackthorns with their tractor," Jocelyn replied, not looking up. "He'll be back soon."

"I guess I'll get started anyway," Clary said, determined to lose herself in the work. She wanted to forget everything that had happened last night and this morning. It was all too much and yet nearly not enough. Simply put, it was driving her crazy.

"Good, you can start with the barns," Jocelyn said. "I've been meaning to get Luke do to that."

"I'll get started then," Clary replied, grateful for something concrete to do.

/

The work was distracting enough, monotonous enough to keep her head empty of any thoughts, especially those about Isabelle. She didn't want to think about any of it, not the feel of Isabelle's fingers on her waist or that perfect moment after she woke up, with Izzy's arms wrapped around her. This wasn't some romance novel. Things just didn't work out like that.

Isabelle was destined to end up with some guy, not a girl, especially not Clary. She was the best friend, not a lover.

_Of all the people_, Clary thought to herself angrily in a moment of weakness. _It had to be her._

She tried not to think about it, instead trying to focus all her energy back on cleaning out the barn. It gave her another blissfully empty hour before her mind wandered back to the moment she'd woken up.

It was frustrating to say the least, thinking about all the possibilities that could've happened if she'd just stayed there. Maybe she could've actually kissed Izzy by now. Or more.

Clary wondered what Jace would have to say about the entire thing. He'd probably tell her it was a positive sign. That she should just go for it.

However, Clary knew it wouldn't be that simple. Even if she and Isabelle got together, it wouldn't mean it would be a happily ever after. Idris was a small town, a fine breeding ground for bigotry and prejudice. Not to mention gossip was like air around here; and when people talked, it invariably led to trouble. Alec knew that, which was why he'd gotten the hell out. If he was lucky, he'd stay that way.

She wanted to scream. It was such an impossible situation. There was no easy way out and she wished she could top caring so much about Isabelle, to only be a friend. That was what everyone expected of her and she wanted so badly to give that, but it was all a lie. She wasn't just friends with Isabelle, there was more there; it was the kind of more that people around here called 'unnatural'.

She threw the pitchfork down in frustration, watching as it crashed to the floor with a satisfying thud.

"By the Angel, why did it have to be like this?" she asked herself, wishing it'd all just go away. Tears pooled in her eyes and she fought them back. There was no way she was going to cry about this again. Crying never got anyone anywhere.

"Be like what?" a male voice suddenly asked, making Clary jump. She turned to see who it was and smiled when she saw Luke's familiar face.

"Nothing; Hey, Luke," she said, putting as much cheer into her voice as she could muster.

"Hi, Clary; I see you got started on the barn early," Luke commented, nodding at the now-clean floor.

"Well, I promised, didn't I?"

"That you did," Luke replied. "Now, you want to help me get the stuff from the truck? I've got a surprise for Jocelyn."

"What?"

"You'll see," Like replied enigmatically. "Now, help me."

"Sure," Clary said, following Luke out of the barn to his pickup truck. It was an old, old thing, a patchwork of pieces. Luke had had it since forever, using whatever parts he could find to keep it running good. He was good like that, fixing things when they needed to be fixed.

Inside the truck's back was a cardboard box, taped shut with around ten layers of tape.

"What on earth have you got in there, Luke?" Clary asked. It must have been a pretty fragile thing, but whatever it was, it seemed important to Luke.

"Something special, I found it while I was out. Be careful with it," Luke said as Clary climbed in and picked up the box. It felt incredibly light, like there was nothing inside.

"Are you sure there's something in here? It's so light," Clary said, careful not to jostle the box too much.

"Of course, I packed it myself. But before I do anything, I just want to ask you something."

Considering the box, Clary guessed the answer. "You want to marry her."

Luke looked a little surprised. "Is it that obvious?"

"Yep," Clary replied. "I was wondering when you were going to do it. It seemed like a long time coming."

"Are you okay with that?" Luke asked, suddenly hesitant.

"Of course," Clary replied, waving off his worry. "You've been here for years. You're already like family. Besides, mom is her own person."

"Don't I know it," Luke replied, obviously relieved. Clary felt a small pang in her heart. If only coming out could be that effortless. "I guess I just wanted to know if you were okay with it."

"Why wouldn't I be? I guess I'll need to stop calling you Uncle Luke now, though," she said, referring back to the childhood nickname she'd given him. Back then, he hadn't been her mother's boyfriend, just a man who was contently in their lives.

"Should I ask her tonight?"

"I'm sure she'll be thrilled," Clary replied.

/

Naturally, Jocelyn nearly cried when Luke gave her the ring. Clary watched them with a mix of emotions, half happiness and half jealously. She was glad her mother had Luke; he was the perfect kind of guy to be a stepfather, or parent, period. He was one of the better kinds of constants in her life, a shining example of a person. She already loved him like family and seeing him and Jocelyn make it official couldn't have been a better decision for them.

However, the jealousy lingered, making her feel a little bitter. She wished it would be that easy for her, to have a love that could be accepted like that without question. But that wasn't possible, especially considering her feelings for Isabelle.

She'd yet to see her best friend since this morning, a fact she felt bad about. There was still a lot to talk about, answers she needed to hear. But Clary wasn't entirely sure she wanted to hear the answers. So she put it off, like a coward. It was terrible, but it was all she could no. Inaction was better than any of her other options.

Later that night, when the sun had almost set and the night was beginning to emerge, Clary heard a tap on her window. Looking up, she saw Isabelle there, looking decidedly annoyed.

Clary opened the window, a mix of dread and anticipation causing her stomach to churn. Her heart beat erratically and she cautioned herself to stop. It was just Isabelle; it would just be another nightly interaction with her best friend. They could talk about Luke and Jocelyn, discuss the heat; do normal things.

"You didn't come by," Isabelle said, effortlessly climbing in Clary's window.

"I got busy," Clary replied, feeling like she'd told a lie.

"I guess you did," Isabelle said, sitting down on Clary's bed. "How was today?"

"Busy. Luke proposed to mom, though," Clary said, relieved they could talk about something normal.

"Good. I was hoping they'd finally get onto it. They're old and it's about time they stop wasting time."

"_Isabelle_," Clary scolded.

"What?" she said with a shrug. "It's true."

Clary laughed. "Tact, Izzy, tact."

"I've got plenty of that," Isabelle replied.

Sitting down beside her, Clary leaned against her best friend. "I'm sorry I didn't see you before. How are holding up from last night?"

"I'm amazing," Isabelle replied. "I talked to Simon. He apologised too much."

"Why?"

"He said he wished he hadn't drunk whatever he had."

Clary frowned. "What happened?"

"Nothing bad, if that's what you're thinking. He drank this weird cocktail thing and nearly vomited all over me. He was embarrassed about it."

"Is that why you left?"

"No, I just wanted to get away," Isabelle replied.

"You seemed pretty keen to get me out of there too," Clary said carefully.

"Of course I was. You're my best friend," Isabelle said dismissively. "Anyway, how was my brother? Did he hit on you?"

"No, he didn't. He was actually quite nice," Clary replied, thinking of what Jace had told her. She wondered if she should tell Isabelle about it.

"That's a surprise. You sure you're just not trying to downplay it?" Isabelle said, raising her eyebrows. "I mean, don't hold back on my account. If he flirted with you, just tell me."

Clary laughed. "No, he didn't actually. We just talked."

"About what?"

"Nothing of importance," Clary lied. "But what about you and Simon? Did you 'break him in'?"

"No. He vomited before we could really do much. It was all bright blue and gross."

"What on earth did he drink?" Clary asked, worrying about him. Simon certainly wasn't much of a drinker, or anything much, really.

"No idea. I think it was some kind of punch."

"You really should take better care of him, Iz."

"He's not a child, Clary."

"I know, but you know Simon. He's not good with this stuff."

Izzy rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say, _mom_."

"I…I just worried he'd get hurt."

"I thought you were supposed to worry about other people breaking _my _heart, not the other way around," Izzy said with a laugh.

"Nobody could break your heart, Iz. You're invincible," Clary replied, even though she knew that was a lie. Alec's departure had done a fine job of that. Isabelle had cared a lot for her older brother, but when he left so suddenly he'd taken some part of her with him. Clary remembered the fights before it had happened, Isabelle climbing into her room with tears in her eyes as she told Clary Alec was leaving. That had ruined Isabelle and made her colder, less soft.

"Damn right I am," Izzy replied with a smile and leaned her head against Clary's shoulder. Clary's own heart picked up pace in response. They sat in silence for a moment and Clary decided she should speak up about Alec.

"Jace told me about why Alec left," Clary said, the words falling out of her mouth before she could really think about the consequences. She felt Isabelle stiffen beside her and lean away.

"He did?"

"Yeah," Clary replied, not looking at Isabelle.

"He doesn't have a right," Isabelle said, angry.

"He's Alec's brother too, Izzy," Clary replied. "Maybe not by blood, but a brother all the same."

"It was Alec's business, not his," Isabelle said hotly.

"I'm not going to say anything. I know how important a secret like that can be," Clary added the last bit almost without thinking. The words were dangerous and she held her breath, wondering what Isabelle would say to that.

"You do?" Izzy replied.

"Yeah," Clary said. "I do."

"Good."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know if I could trust you with it. I know how this town feels about that sort of thing. I saw it how tired he was all the time. He always looked so awful."

"I thought it was all football stuff," Clary said. "He did work hard on it."

"I guess that's what he wanted everyone to think," Isabelle replied bitterly. "I miss him."

"I know you do," Clary said gently. "I can't imagine how it feels."

"It's the worst thing," Isabelle said, the echo of a sob working its way into her voice. She took a deep breath. "I can't stand him being gone."

"You could see him."

"He said he didn't want anything to do with this town. That's what he told mom just before he left."

"You should know you don't count."

"I do, Clary. I may have tried to help, but I didn't try hard enough," Isabelle said. "I should have gone with him. He even asked me to. I said no."

"Why didn't you?"

"My destiny is to be stuck in a place like this. You of all people should know how hard it is to leave here. People never stay gone long."

"Maybe he'll come back."

"He won't. If anyone has a right to be the one to get out permanently, it's Alec. He doesn't deserve to come back to this place."

"And you do?"

"I'm just as bad as the rest of them."

"You're better than that, Iz," Clary said gently. "You could get out of Idris. I'd go with you."

"You of all people should know we're destined to stay," Isabelle said. "That's how this story goes. We'll try and run but we can't. There's no way this could end okay; staying here is all we can do."

"But if we don't try, how would you know?"

"I just do. Trust me; it's going to end up with us right back here. We'll run and run and run, but it's going to end exactly where we started."

"Oh Iz," Clary said and put an arm around Isabelle's shoulders. "You can't know that."

Isabelle didn't say anything to that. She just sat there, letting Clary hold her. The silence seemed to stretch on forever, and Clary let it. There was no point in trying to console Izzy now. There were simply no words to say.

The suddenly, Isabelle spoke. "I didn't tell anyone about Alec because I knew they'd wonder if I was the same. But it's not even that, not really, it's just that they'd be right. And I didn't want to let them have that."

Clary sucked in a short, sharp breath. It was the wrong move; Isabelle stiffened and pulled away.

"No—don't go," Clary said, putting a hand on Isabelle's arm.

"I should," Isabelle said. "I've made you uncomfortable."

"Iz, I already know," Clary said, the words flying out of her mouth. "And I'm okay with it, I swear."

"How could you know?"

"Jace," Clary said simply.

Isabelle's eyes blazed with anger. "Why did he tell _you_? He knew this was a secret. The jerk," she fumed. "I can't believe—"

"He told me because he wanted me to know. Because…" Clary wasn't sure how to end that sentence. It suddenly felt incredibly dangerous to speak out loud. She dropped her hand from Izzy's arm and looked down.

"Why? Why would he tell you any of that?" Isabelle demanded.

"I…he…it's kind of why he didn't hit on me," Clary said at last, feeling pathetic.

Isabelle frowned. "You…?" she trailed off, asking a question Clary wasn't sure how to reply to. She knew the answer, it hovered on her tongue, right there just out of reach. Her throat closed and anxiety built in her chest. This was supposed to be some grand, perfectly brave moment. Instead she could barely get the words out.

"I…I," she said. "Sorry, I haven't told anyone before. Jace just guessed right. It's the only reason he knows anything."

Isabelle sat down again. "Take you time."

There was a long pause, Clary wishing she could just spit it out. "Bisexual," she said at last, the word feeling like it was wrenched from her mouth.

"That's it?"

"That's all there is," Clary lied. It wasn't too much of a lie, not really. It just wasn't the whole of the truth.

"Okay," Isabelle said with a sigh. "That's really okay."

"Thanks," Clary said.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Same reason you didn't. I was scared."

Isabelle put her hand on Clary's arm. "I get that."

They sat there in silence again, but this time it felt okay. Isabelle seemed much more relaxed and although Clary felt like she should say something else, she could ignore that. Pretend it was just a nice, peaceful moment, that they were just two friends who expected anger, instead finding acceptance.

"Isn't it ironic? Both of us, so afraid we didn't realise we were exactly the same?" Isabelle said.

"Yeah," Clary said, pretending for a moment this was some perfect little world where Isabelle had said she was in love with her. It was absolutely selfish, but she let it happen anyway.

"I suppose this means now you don't mind if I talk about girls too?" Isabelle said.

"I'll join in," Clary said with a smile. Though she didn't want to admit it, the whole thing would probably break her heart. It was already enough of an ache listening to Isabelle talk about her experience with boys.

"I kissed Aline, once," Isabelle said. "That's kind of when I knew."

"Penhallow?" Clary said with a frown. "Wasn't she Jace's girlfriend a while back?"

"Nah, I think she was just faking it. I'm not sure he minded too much."

"The kissing or the faking?"

"The latter. I didn't kiss her until after they 'broke up'," Isabelle explained. "We talked a lot, you know."

"You did?"

"Yeah, she told me she was different and said she kind of wanted to kiss me. I said okay. It was last year, before Alec."

"Did you two…?"

"No," Isabelle replied, sounding almost regretful. "She met someone else after that. A Helen or something."

"I…" Clary said, unable to explain it without giving up her final secret. Jace would probably have told her to just seize the moment, but it all felt incredibly delicate. "I guess it was just a group of things. I realised I kind of liked all of them."

"I've felt it's less about that, more just about the person. The rest is...pointless," Isabelle said.

"I think I like girls more though," Clary admitted. It felt bold to say it and she felt momentarily empowered. If Isabelle was interested in her, maybe she'd take that as a sign.

Isabelle laughed softly. "I get that."

Clary tried to ignore the erratic beat of her heart. _Don't think about it_, she told herself.

"We should throw another party," Clary said, trying to distract Isabelle. "A little celebration for this."

"Of course," Isabelle replied. "Tomorrow night?"

"Why not?" Clary said with a shrug. "It's summer. Anything can happen."

/

The second party felt more alive than the last. Thanks to the success of the first, everyone and then some turned up, though Clary assumed it had more to do with Isabelle's amazing influence than anything else.

People loved any excuse to celebrate, even if only two the participants knew exactly what was being celebrated. The rest of them were just background noise, something to fill in the expanse of Lake Lyn's shore.

"This is the greatest thing," Isabelle said to Clary, whispering in her ear. A shiver ran down Clary's spine. The entire moment felt extremely intimate.

"Of course it is," Clary replied. "We planned it."

Isabelle smiled in response. Clary thought that smile was brighter than all the bonfires in history. Nothing could ever quite be as amazing as Isabelle happy.

"I'll be right back. I'm going to go find us something to drink."

"But—"

"No buts, Clary. Jace promise to drive us home."

Clary sighed. "Fine."

"It's our night to celebrate. Live a little," Isabelle said before sauntering off, the crowd parting as she moved through.

"Hey, Clary," said Jace's familiar voice from behind her. Clary turned around to see him standing there, a smile on his face.

"Hi," Clary replied.

"You told her?"

"Partly," Clary admitted. "I wasn't sure how to say the rest."

"You'll get there," Jace said. "I know you two will."

"You seem awfully invested in this."

"It's my sister's happiness. It matters," Jace said, looking her right in the eye.

"And mine?"

"That too," Jace said with a smile. "Now, have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"There isn't a lot you wouldn't do."

"That's true," Jace said with a laugh. "I'll see you later, Clary."

"Don't do anything stupid. You're driving us home."

"Me? Stupid? Never," Jace said, walking away.

After Jace left, Clary looked out at the crowd. Half the people had already migrated into the lake, some of which had left all garments on the shore. The rest were dancing around the bonfire, swaying in time with the music blasting from the speakers someone had managed to acquire.

The night felt alive, ripe with all kinds of possibility and it made Clary long to just find Isabelle and kiss her, consequences be damned. Her heart rate quickened at the possibility, the thrill of the idea of doing something she wanted to. Part of her felt like her own heart would burst out of her body with all this aching and wanting.

Then she saw her, Isabelle walking through the crowd again, two drinks in her hands. "I couldn't find anything really good, but this beer is going to have to do."

"It's something," Clary said, taking a sip. It's not bad a far as beer goes, but it's not great. "But when we make it out of here, we're so going to find somewhere with better beer."

Isabelle laughed; it was a warm sound that made Clary's heart skip a beat.

_You're in deep_, a voice whispered in her head. It sounded almost like Jace. Clary pushed it away. Thinking about all of that could lead to trouble.

"I want somewhere with better shoes," Isabelle said. "This place sucks."

"To moving out," Clary said, holding out her beer bottle. "And better beer."

Isabelle touched her bottle to Clary's in a toast. "To the future," she agreed. It felt dangerous to say, but it felt like hope. Maybe there was a way out of here permanently and if Isabelle was by her side, Clary was sure she'd be able to do it.

The two sat in silence for a moment and took sips of the sub-par beer, but in that moment, it felt like there was nothing else better in the world. This was the taste of a promise, a better future that loomed on the horizon, just waiting to happen.

"I'd kiss you right now," Isabelle said suddenly, breaking through the silence. "If there were less gross people around, I'd do it."

Clary's heart stopped for a moment. "You would?" she replied.

"Yeah, I mean if you wanted me to," Isabelle said, looking down. Clary felt like she was about to cross a line. Or back away from it entirely. Either way, things felt like they were about to change.

"I do," Clary said bravely, fire surging through her veins. _She wants to kiss me_; the thought bounced around in her skull, making her heart beat erratically.

Isabelle looked up, staring Clary right in the eye. Her heart was beating out of control, the anticipation making her feel like she was going to explode.

"Let's get out of here then," Isabelle said, holding out her hand. Clary took it. Isabelle pulled her along into the darkness, moving out into the woods.

Once they were a good distance away, Isabelle stopped.

Slowly, almost carefully, the two moved closer together, bodies pressed up right against each other. Their foreheads touched. Clary could feel Isabelle's breath on her face.

"What are you waiting for?" Clary asked, already feeling breathless.

Isabelle didn't reply, instead she kissed her, underneath the stars, moon and trees as their only witnesses. The moment felt electric, so alive with the distinct possibility of _more_ that Clary's heart ached. Finally, everything was wonderful.

After a long, perfect moment, they broke apart. Clary opened her eyes, face to face with Isabelle. She was smiling. Clary was sure the grin on her own face was about the same, if not larger.

"That was good," Isabelle said.

"Good to know I'm up to standard."

Isabelle smiled wider. "You're better," she said and kissed her again.

Clary wanted it to go on forever, to keep this moment and never let it go, but like all good things it came to an end.

"Do we have to go back?" Clary asked.

"Not if we don't want to. No one will care if we just vanish. I'm pretty sure they're all drunk by now anyway."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Clary said and took Isabelle's hand.

/

It wasn't an easy thing to hide, but they made do with whatever moments of alone time they could get. It was better than Clary could have hoped for, even if it meant days sneaking out into hidden alcoves and long drives into the middle of nowhere.

On one such day, they ended up in the middle of an open field, a dry expanse of tall grass that stretched into the horizon like some kind of sea. It wasn't perfect and all they had was a picnic blanket to keep away the dirt, but it was something—_their_ something.

"Where do you think you'll go, when you leave?" Clary asked Isabelle in between some particularly heavy kissing. It was almost strange how easily they'd adapted to this new rhythm, though Clary wasn't complaining.

Isabelle paused for a moment, hovering above Clary. "I don't know—maybe to the city, where Alec is."

Clary noticed the edge to Isabelle's voice, the hurt at what happened with Alec. How he'd left and won't ever come back.

"We should visit him. _You_ should visit him," Clary said.

"I want to," Isabelle said, but Clary knew she was holding back.

"You have to, Iz. He's your brother and I know he'd want to see you. I wish I had someone like that," Clary said. For the first time in a long time, she thought about her own brother. Normally, she'd never give Jonathan another thought, but with the way Isabelle talked about Alec, well, it made her think of things that would never be.

"Have you really looked though?" Isabelle asked.

"Mom told me not to look," Clary said with a shake of her head. Truthfully, she had no idea where Jonathan would be or if he was anywhere at all. Her mother had always told her she was better off not knowing, to stay in the dark about this sibling she had.

As far as Clary knew, he was a year older than her and apparently soulless. Clary had never met him, so she couldn't be the one to judge. But she took her mother's word and never gave him a thought, not until a moment like this.

Not many people in Idris knew about Jonathan either. It was just her, Luke, Jocelyn and Isabelle who kept that secret. He was the elephant in the room, the small box kept in her mother's room she occasionally cried over.

"Are you sure you want to leave him unfound?" Isabelle questioned. She looked serious, studying Clary's face.

"I think it would be better. I don't know him and anyway, enough about that. We should go and see Alec. It'll be first thing we do when we get out of here."

Isabelle smiled. "Sounds like a plan," she said and gave Clary a quick kiss. The gesture sent a thrill through Clary's veins. Even years from now, she didn't think there would be a better feeling than being able to kiss and be kissed by Isabelle.

The day wore on and Clary pretended in those moments there was nothing else but this, just the two of them together without the rest of the world to curse or reject them. It was freedom, pure and simple; the perfect escape from the claustrophobic nature of the people of Idris.

Clary wanted it to last forever.

/

Like all good things, the honeymoon phase of their relationship had to come to an end. There was no way for everything to stay as it was forever in that field or any other secret hiding place. The day would end and summer would pass. Reality had to be faced.

Isabelle didn't want to do it. She wanted to keep this moment forever, stretch it out and make it last. At the very least, she wanted to never go back to her parent's house. To avoid that place filled with suffocating silence and topics never talked about. Whole people erased from the too-small world of Idris.

No one mentioned Alec's name in her home. It was like her parents thought he could simply be erased just be not being spoken about. They wanted to pretend their son hadn't run off, though god knows they'd have probably had a heart attack if they knew why. It was only she and Jace were who even really acknowledged the loss, who knew exactly why Alec had vanished. Even Max just didn't understand. He thought Alec was just being an adult, still such a kid he had no idea of the ugly fear that drove Alec out of his own home.

She remembered the days just before her left, the look in his eyes that told her he was already gone, no matter how much she begged him to stay, to take her with him. Alec had refused and before she knew it, he was gone.

Isabelle wished there was a way to get her brother back here, to fix her family and make it like it once was – back when they were all happy. However, even those times were tainted by the memory of the way Alec had looked, had felt for so long—the way she was feeling now.

It wasn't like her parents had ever deliberately said anything homophobic, but it was there under the surface. The way they never said anything on the day of the Romans sermon, the way the preacher had spat out his words about the importance of purity, of standing strong and being good enough not to turn to "unnatural relations". Often, she thought back to those words, Romans 1 verses 24 to 27 the preacher quoted so fervently like law and how ironic it was that right at the next chapter it spoke of not passing judgement. The way he could simply pick and choose, to have the gall to have such statements about the world.

Then there were the other talks, the way her parents had looked away uncomfortably as the marriage equality bills had passed in different states, in places all around the world. It all suffocated her, every comment and expectation they had of her.

No wonder her brother had run. It made her wish she could change everything, to be the girl her parents assumed her to be. It wasn't even an expectation – it was an assumption she would be so, never entertaining the possibility that she or Alec could be anything different.

Tonight, they sat at the table and held hands, reciting their prayers over dinner. Isabelle had one hand in her mothers, the other Jace's. She could sense his boredom, the feeling of apathy he had for such a ritual, though he pretended otherwise for their parent's sake. It wasn't something she didn't mind too much herself, but she liked that there was someone else in this house that felt less than a hundred per cent enthusiastic about it.

"And so we thank the lord for the food before us…" her father said in prayer before pausing for an 'amen'. Isabelle breathed a small, silent sigh of relief when he finally said it.

She didn't hesitate to eat, trying to get the first mouthful of food in before her parents started to ask questions.

"So, Isabelle, how's Clary these days?" her mother asked, just as Isabelle was about to take her first bite.

"She's good," Isabelle said.

"That's nice to hear. I'm glad you two have stuck together. A girl like that needs a good friend," her mother said. Isabelle bit her lip to keep from replying.

Her mother hadn't ever had much a positive opinion about Clary Fray; Maryse Lightwood was all about proper appearances and maintaining the right kind of attitudes. Thus, someone like Clary Fray was automatically below her, though her mother would never exactly say that out loud. She often said she thought the girl needed 'the right kind of person' in her life and by that, she meant a decent person. Someone like her own daughter too 'save' Clary from corruption.

Not that Clary had known any of that. Isabelle had done her best to make sure Clary never heard anything about how Maryse really thought about her.

"She is a good friend," Isabelle replied.

"You spend every day with her," her mother said.

"She's my best friend," Isabelle said. It was fact, though strangely it felt something like a lie now. That was only now part of the truth. Clary was something different—something _more_.

It was strange to think of that way, but it was true. There was simply more than just a friendship between them. There was a whole romance.

"People do talk," Maryse said. "They think you're being corrupted."

Corrupted was her mother's favourite new word. She liked to say that about most things: different people, pop music and whatever else in the world she thought was wrong at the time.

"Your mother is right," her father said. "You need to be careful."

Isabelle was about to reply when the sound of a crashing plate made her turn towards Jace. He'd knocked his glass on the ground.

"Jonathan Christopher Herondale! Honestly!" Isabelle's mother cried out.

"Sorry, it was an accident. Muscle twitch," Jace said in his best apology voice. Though Isabelle knew he wasn't really sorry at all. She glanced over at him, hoping to convey her appreciation.

"Go clean it up, then," Maryse said and Jace got up to get the dustpan.

As Maryse fussed, Isabelle got up and went to the bathroom. Once inside, she took a deep breath and tried to hold back her tears. She hated how much her mother's words had gotten to her. Granted, she had no idea about what was really going on between Isabelle herself and Clary, but she knew the reaction to that would be much worse if she had any idea.

But what really got to her was the reminder that there was that hate in the world—a reminder that even before her mother knew about anything, she'd already condemned Clary Fray as the Wrong Sort of Person.

It hadn't ever bothered her before, or so she liked to pretend. Usually she enjoyed pissing off her parents, though most of that had stopped after Alec left. Since then, she did her best to be the kind of person they expected her to be. She did everything she could to please them, to gain their approval for even the most mundane things.

Isabelle knew it was stupid, but that didn't make the fear any less real. She wondered if this was the kind of feeling Alec had got, that fear that she'd lose their love the moment they found out something didn't fit according to their ideas about life.

She wanted to be the perfect daughter they wanted her to be, but that was harder and harder, especially since she knew she was undoubtedly straying from the image of her they wanted her to be—an image she was trying so hard to replicate.

It was at that moment she knew the two blissful weeks of just her and Clary were over. Now, reality had hit and hit back hard. There was no way she could pretend otherwise. Everything would fall apart if they didn't get out.

/

When they next met up in the field, Clary noticed there was something different about Isabelle. She stood less tall and there was something in her eyes that reminded Clary of those awful nights right after Alec had vanished. The car ride over had been silent, bar the short hello from Isabelle.

"Are you okay?" Clary said when they got out of the car. She took in every detail of Isabelle—her dark eyes were cold and almost distant and she didn't stand tall. Not like normal.

Isabelle shook her head and Clary felt almost relieved at the fact that they weren't going to pretend that everything was okay. She didn't want to have to sit there and lie. Not like she had last night and all the nights before when her mother had asked about what she'd been up to. Though, thankfully, her engagement with Luke had made her distracted and giggly so she hadn't noticed much about Clary's reluctance to engage in conversation.

"I need to get out of here," Isabelle said flatly.

"Then we'll go. As soon as we have the money, we'll get out of here as fast as we can. Maybe even before then. Just you and me," Clary said and threaded her fingers through Isabelle's.

"I don't want people to know. They'll talk."

Clary took a deep breath. "I know," she replied. "But we can get out."

"I wish we could leave right now," Isabelle said. "Just run off and never look back."

Clary didn't have anything to say to that. She understood all too well how that felt. She'd have done exactly the same. If only she wasn't afraid of ending up worse than her mother had.

Instead of trying to comfort Isabelle with words, she kissed her. It was barely a kiss, more of a quick brush of lips and then it was over.

Isabelle smiled and squeezed Clary's fingers.

"Whatever happens, I want to keep you," Isabelle said and Clary felt a warm rush of pleasure at the promise.

"Same here," Clary replied and kissed Isabelle again, this time a little longer. But when she pulled away, Isabelle grabbed onto the hem of Clary's shirt and tugged her closer until their lips met.

Clary stretched a little on her toes and wrapped her arms around Isabelle's neck, bringing them closer until there was little space between them. Isabelle responded enthusiastically and moved her hands around Clary's waist so the two of them were held together by each other.

Once again, she found herself wishing they could stay this way: just the two of them somewhere else where they didn't have to worry about anything—entirely separate from the rest of the world and their judgement.

The rest of the day was much like before, but it was weighted. Now with the realisation that things could never simply stay perfect, every moment felt more like the countdown until something happened.

Whatever that was, Clary hoped it meant getting the hell out of here.

/

Just as Maryse predicted, people did talk. It seemed that two girls couldn't just disappear all day and expect people not to notice in a town as small as Idris. The summer had been slow and heavy and with people stuck lazing around, gossip helped pass the time.

The subject of most of it seemed to be Clary Fray and Isabelle Lightwood. Nobody said ever said the word out loud, but they were thinking it: _lesbians_. They danced around it, all unwilling to admit it was true. Everyone felt 'something like that' shouldn't be possible—because surely they were above all of that. It didn't matter that wasn't exactly the truth. People in Idris were too closed-minded to ever really think about other possibilities.

Clary had noticed the shift. It was easy to see—sure, she knew people had looked down on her mother, but she'd never understood the feeling until now. How could her mother have stood all of this? How could she have just shut out this kind of judgement?

It was in the way people looked at her now, the careful but quick assessment, especially when she was with Isabelle. How anyone had put this together, Clary had no idea, but that didn't matter. People always liked to find some kind of scandal and summer was slow and hot, which meant it left plenty of time for lazing around and talking. Too much time, if you asked Clary.

People from school still looked up to Isabelle, though Clary had noticed the looks Isabelle had gotten anytime they were seen together, especially after they'd come home from one of their extended trips to hide their illicit kissing. Because of this, they had started their own kind of rumours, fanciful stories that pained the two of them as wild outlaws: that there were secret boyfriends somewhere, that they were involved in some kind of cult, even secret boyfriends in some kind of cult. There were a few whispers of _gay_ along with a leer, but that seemed to be the minority.

"You've become pretty notorious," Jace said one day when he met up with her. It was a friendly visit, but mostly Clary hoped it could be some kind of cover. To stop people from getting too close to the truth; she knew how badly people would react if they started to believe it.

"I guess so," she said. "I mean I've done all kinds of things with Isabelle. Robbed a bank, screwed half the college football team, hell I've even joined a cult."

"I'm sorry," he said.

Clary smiled at him. "I know you're trying," she said. Jace had been trying to help, using his own influence to dispel some of the more dangerous rumours before they got too big. Before they could become some kind of universal fiction people used against her and Isabelle.

"I wish I could do more," Jace said. "You don't deserve this."

"You can't save the day all the time," Clary said softly.

Jace scoffed. "You don't know that. I'll have you know I save the day all the time. You just don't know it."

Clary smiled and rolled her eyes. It was nice to have someone around who could make a joke about all of this. She needed something light. Though being with Isabelle was amazing, there was always that ever-present dread lingering in the background. The golden days were over, though Clary wanted desperately to get through all of this. There was no way she was going to let the people of Idris drive some kind of wedge between here and Isabelle.

"I wish we could just run away," Clary said.

"You could," Jace said. As if it could be just that simple.

"You should know it's not that easy," she said. Clary had run every single possibility over in her head a thousand times, but there was no getting out, not unless there was someone there on the other side.

"I know, but don't you want to hope anyway?"

"I can't do any of that. We're trapped her. A year at least," Clary replied. "You know that."

"That doesn't mean you should just accept this."

Clary closed her eyes. Logically, she knew Jace had a point, but she didn't know how to fight back against any of it. All her life, the town of Idris had its hold on her—the ultimate force that kept her in line.

Now, it had turned against her, slowly but surely. How any of this could be okay enough to get through the year felt impossible. Soon enough, it would escalate. It was exactly why Alec had left. He'd been smart, getting out before someone else forced him to. In that moment, she envied him and even hated him a little. Hated that he'd gotten out and Isabelle hadn't. That she hadn't been able to find the courage to cut and run sooner.

"I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever," she said.

"You won't be," Jace said. "You two can escape this place. If anyone can, you and Izzy will do it."

Clary closed her eyes and prayed like hell that Jace was right.

/

The phone call happened a week later. By that point, Isabelle had become a recluse of sorts. Normally, she thrived on attention—there was little she used to hate about the way people looked at her. The touch of envy in their eyes, the admiration she got as she walked past – all of it was gone. Now, people looked at her differently, as if they had only just started to see her. The mistrust in people's eyes had become unbearable to witness. Isabelle had decided she couldn't handle it and so she'd decided she much preferred to stay away from people most of the time. Sure, it meant people talked all the more, but if it kept her away from that _look_, then so be it.

Thus, most of her time was spent away from her home, out in some field as far away from home as she could get without actually leaving 'town'. It wasn't too bad and Isabelle enjoyed the quiet and had spent most of her free time either texting Clary or kissing her (either option was perfectly okay with her).

Naturally, all of this meant she wouldn't expect a call from an unknown number.

"Isabelle's phone," she said when she'd picked up, mostly out of curiosity.

"Izzy," the voice said on the other end, her name sighed in relief.

Isabelle froze and nearly dropped the phone. Her heart hammered in her chest and she felt her blood turn to ice. It wasn't possible. He wouldn't call her. He had left, so why would he call? Alec had made his priorities clear when he'd run away.

"Are you still there?" Alec said. "Please don't hand up."

By all rights, Isabelle felt she should have hung up, but she remained frozen, unable to do anything but listen to the voice on the other end.

"Why now?" she said. Though her words sounded calm, she felt anything but on the inside.

"I… I didn't know if you'd answer."

"Why now, Alec?" she repeated. Though she'd spoken his name since he left, it felt foreign on her tongue. How could this phone call have happened?

Alec took a deep breath. "It took me a while to work up the courage. Magnus helped."

At the mention of his boyfriend's name, Isabelle was suddenly transported back to last may when Alec met Magnus. As some wild, young heir to a company nobody really knew the function of, Magnus Bane had waltzed into Idris as an explorer.

Isabelle still didn't know why Magnus had shown up, but he had and that simply event changed everything. She still hated him a little, if only because he was part of the reason Alec ran.

However, when Magnus had first shown up, she'd been somewhat enchanted with him. He was a creature from a whole other world—a bold, confident figure that seemed like the perfect escape route. Though that plan had promptly been shot down the moment Magnus had met her brother.

Alec had been initially resistant to Magnus' charms. He'd been too scared to even think about wanting Magnus the way Isabelle knew he did. So she had taken matters into her own hands and did everything she could to get the two of them together.

It had worked and for a while, it seemed perfect. She'd help Alec sneak out so he could learn to have a life and feel like at least someone was getting a happy ending. But then Alec started to get scared as time when on. The guilt of sneaking out had gotten to him and instead of quitting like she thought he would, Alec ran.

He'd told her he couldn't live like this anymore. The constant fear of being caught out had made him realise he needed to get out.

"You should've called sooner," she said. "Like last year."

But Alec wasn't fooled by the sharpness of her words. He understood her well enough.

"What's wrong?" he said softly. "Tell me, Iz."

The nickname was enough to break her. Before she knew it, Isabelle spilled the whole story—all the truths she'd hidden from him before along with the story of the past year and, most importantly, this summer. She told him about how she'd worked out her feelings for Clary, eventual shift in their relationship and everything that had happened since.

The whole way through, Alec listened quietly. He didn't say a word and if not for the sound of his breathing on the other end, Isabelle would have assumed he'd hung up. It was an enormous relief to admit the truth to someone, to make it concrete in the simple fact that someone else, somewhere far away, knew what she had gone through.

By the time she finished, tears had pooled in Isabelle's eyes. She blinked them away and wished she wasn't that weak. Crying had never done her any good before and she wasn't about to let herself test that. Besides, she'd done enough crying after Alec had left.

"I'll come and get you," Alec said simply, making Isabelle freeze all over again.

"I can't just leave," she said, mostly thinking about the promise she'd made Clary. Besides, there was no way she could simply leave her family. "Besides, you're all the way over in …" she trailed off as she realised she had no idea where Alec was.

"Brooklyn," he said.

"You're all the way over _there_?"

"Yeah," Alec said. "Magnus has an apartment, well it's more of a giant loft thing but … anyway that's where I am."

"It's so far away," she said. Never had she imagined her brother would be so far away from her. She'd often imagined he was somewhere else, but never quite that far away. In her imagination, he was still close by.

"It's not that bad, Iz. You'd like it here, I think."

"But what would mom say if you just showed up here?" Isabelle said.

"I… I'd deal with that when it comes. You're more important," Alec replied.

Isabelle pursed her lips and then took a deep breath. "I'll think about it," she said finally.

"Call me when you decide, then," Alec said. "It's okay either way."

Isabelle hung up.

/

"He wants me to leave with him."

The words caused Clary stop short and pull away from the line of kisses she had trailed down Isabelle's neck.

"Who?" she asked and felt a jolt of apprehension.

"Alec," Isabelle said.

Clary took a deep breath sat up. Part of her wanted to ask just exactly why Alec had only called now, but she knew Isabelle would've talked about that if she wanted to. "What are you going to do?" she asked.

Isabelle closed her eyes. "I want to go," she admitted. "But if you don't want me to…"

"No," Clary said. "It's your decision."

Isabelle moved away from Clary and wrapped her arms around her knees. It was hard not to see how bad she looked despite the carefully applied kiss-proof make up and perfect clothes. "I don't want to leave you alone. I can't do that, but I don't want to stay here, not like this."

Clary looked at the grass below them and picked at a few stray blades. "I want you to be happy. Don't stay just because of me."

"I made a promise," Isabelle said. "I don't want to break it."

"If you have to, I won't blame you," Clary said after a long moment. "You shouldn't just stay on my account."

Isabelle reached out and held Clary's hand. "Thanks," she whispered softly, but all Clary heard was _goodbye_.

/

"Alec?"

"Yes?"

"Pick me up."

/

Jace watched his sister go. She left with a few words and a hug, the latter given to Max as he watched her with wide, sad eyes.

Nobody else had any idea until the morning after.

/

Just as Isabelle had left, so did the summer. The days were starting to get shorter and the heat less and less, until it was simply a 'nice day' and not hotter than the depths of hell. Now, there was no need for Isabelle's grand solutions to a problem like a heatwave. Everything had gone back to normal. But for Clary, it felt like anything but normal. Isabelle was gone and to her, nothing could be the same as it was. Her presence used to be a constant in her life, now Clary was lucky if she got a text or two, let alone a call.

She didn't want to believe a lifetime of friendship could just fall apart like that, but it was exactly what was happening, and there was nothing Clary could do about any of it. She could try to push, but she could see how Isabelle was slowly being consumed in her life in New York and forgetting the life she'd led in the small town of Idris. All of it only made Clary more determined to get out.

Her senior year was hard to face without Isabelle by her side – it was too easy to see the gaps where Isabelle should have been to fill. But that didn't mean she was totally alone. Jace had stuck by her, and surprisingly, Simon had come to be a good friend too. Neither of them were Isabelle, but it was something (_better than nothing_, she'd told herself on multiple occasions). The months moved slowly and were perhaps the strangest of her life – she'd never had to deal with an Idris without Isabelle before now. She'd learned how to navigate around the loneliness and figure out how to pretend those gaps didn't exist.

Of course, the focus had shifted back to her after Isabelle left – though the gossip was still shadowed by 'that Lightwood girl's' disappearance. Officially, Isabelle had left interstate to go to a boarding school for her final year of school and "gain some cultural experience". That was the clever lie told by her parents, generated out of a desire to make sense of what had happened. As far as Clary knew, Jace had watched his sister go. It was something nobody really talked about, at least not out loud.

However, nobody really paid much attention to Clary herself. Sure, they talked, but nobody really looked at her and saw the truth. They thought she was missing a friend. It was an easy lie, but one she wished never had to be told (_it's safer this way_, she told herself). The only people who knew the truth of it all were her and Jace. At first, Simon only seemed to know what everyone else did – that she was sad Isabelle was gone. But then that changed.

"Are you okay?" Simon had asked her the first week back at school. Clary looked up from her sketchbook, surprised he'd talked to her. Sure, they'd been casual friends before and it had seemed he'd liked her for a while, but this felt unusual.

"I'm fine," Clary said on reflex. It was the same line she'd fed her mother for weeks now – a mother who was too caught up in her own happiness to notice much about her daughter's emotional state. Not that Clary could blame her; Jocelyn deserved happiness.

"You're clearly not," Simon said, which shocked her enough to let her pencil slip. "I know you and I know you still miss her, but you shouldn't let it consume you like this."

"What would you know?" Clary snapped. "You didn't—" she broke off, unable to continue. Tears pooled in her eyes and Clary bit her cheek discreetly in an effort to distract herself.

"Didn't what?" Simon said.

"Nevermind," she muttered and looked away.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I just want you to know that," Simon said. "I miss her too."

Clary snorted and glanced up at him. "You just wanted to sleep with her."

Simon turned bright red. "Okay, so yeah … maybe, but that didn't mean she was a stranger. We did talk a few times," he said and then took a deep breath. "Like, at the lake party."

Clary's head snapped back up and she looked at him. His face was serious. "What did she say?"

"I knew what you were to each other, if that's what you're asking. Well, I mean I didn't speak to her much after that, but I figured it out."

"How?" she asked, a sense of apprehension swirled violently in her gut. If Simon had picked it up, did it mean everyone else knew for certain? Was that why people wouldn't let this go?

"She told me," Simon said. "I don't think she'd remember it exactly if you'd asked, but it was at that lake party. Sure, we'd kissed a few times" – Simon blushed at that – "but I knew she wasn't really into it and after a while, she'd stopped."

Clary thought back to that night. It felt like a lifetime ago when she'd felt jealous at Simon for being able to kiss Isabelle.

"I asked her why, wondering if it was something about me, but she surprised me. Told me she didn't like me, though I wasn't bad at kissing," he said and turned bright red again. "But anyway, she talked a little about how there was someone else and she wasn't sure if they'd like her and this was all a distraction."

Clary felt her heart stop beating in her chest for a moment. How could she have not seen that? It was a classic Isabelle move, one she'd seen done before, but she'd assumed Isabelle had actually been a little more interested in Simon.

"So she kept going on like that, a little drunkenly, then she told me she had to find this person and tell them exactly how she felt – to, err, get them alone and all. Then I asked her who she was talking about and she looked at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She told me it was you."

"I wish you'd told me before," Clary said.

"I wasn't sure how. You two were always so close and I figured with all the time you spent together it'd happen anyway. I mean, after she told me that, I noticed how close you were when I saw you two together. Then when people started talking and I barely saw you around, well I assumed Isabelle had gotten what she wanted."

Clary smile sadly. "I still wish you'd said something before."

"I didn't think it was my place," he said. "But I felt like you should know this now."

Clary hugged him. "Thanks."

Simon seemed surprised. "It's alright," he said. "So, do you want to hang out after school?"

"Is this your way of trying to ask me out?" Clary asked, pulling back.

"Oh, no, sorry – I just think you look like you needed a friend."

And then that was that. He'd become her friend and she'd told him the rest of the story after a while. It had taken her while to be able to talk about it, but Simon was a good guy and listened to her patiently. It made her wish she'd actually liked him romantically – the whole thing would've been so easy. Exactly the kind of thing people would've expected of her.

But she knew she couldn't go down that path. There was always Isabelle, a shadow over everything Clary did. Part of her wished she could just let go, though she knew that wasn't exactly what she wanted. Not when she still woke up and for a moment, still believed Isabelle was only a few miles away, not hundreds.

Of course she could always call Isabelle. There was nothing stopping her, but every time she tried to pick up the phone her heart beat too loudly in her chest and she could barely dial the number before her nerves overcame her.

Naturally, Jace was the one to call her out on her cowardice.

"Call her, Clary," he'd told her.

"I don't know if I can."

"Sure you can. Just dial the number and press call. It's not rocket science."

"What if she doesn't pick up?"

"Then just call again, Clary. Come on, she misses you."

"You've talked to her?"

"She's my sister," Jace said simply.

Clary took a deep breath and picked up her phone. She dialled the number.

Isabelle picked up on the third ring.

/

"Isabelle's phone," she answered, picking up without checking who was calling. She assumed it was Alec, asking her for some mundane favour about washing or equally boring household task.

"Isabelle," Clary said. Isabelle nearly dropped the phone.

"Hey," she replied, unable to really say anything else. It had been a week since she'd last texted Clary, a full month since she'd called. It made her nervous.

"How are you?" Clary asked.

"I'm great," she said, only half a lie. There were many pros to living in Brooklyn, but in all this time, she wished Clary was here. It was the perfect kind of place for her – a nice, arty place where Clary would've been right at home.

"That's nice to hear," Clary said.

"But what about you? Senior year must be intense."

"It's not that bad," Clary said.

There was a long pause. Isabelle didn't know what to say and she hated that feeling. It used to be that the two of them had everything to talk about, but not all they had left was a few stilted conversations and so, so many words left unsaid.

_Maybe it's time you started saying them_, a voice told her. It sounded too much like Alec.

"I miss you," Isabelle blurted out. "I mean, really."

"I know," Clary replied softly. "I miss you so much."

"Then stay here, over summer."

Clary didn't say anything and Isabelle wondered if she'd stepped too far. That maybe, the boundaries of their relationship had receded too much. The thought made her chest ache.

"I want to," Clary said and Isabelle relaxed.

"Then do. I have too much to tell you," Isabelle said.

"Same here," Clary said. "More than I can say over the phone."

"I'll look forward to it."

Neither of them said goodbye when they hung up, instead finishing with a 'see you soon' that made Isabelle feel a thousand times lighter.

Alec met her later, Magnus in tow and the two of them just gave her a look. Living with the two of them had been a strange experience, mostly because seeing them only ever served to remind her exactly what she'd left behind. But after the first few weeks, Isabelle had adjusted to life in Magnus' apartment and learned to deal with the two of them, mostly by not being there for a while and once in a while checking out to a hostel when the two of them were being disturbingly sweet.

"You're in a suspiciously good mood," Magnus noted, eyeing her off.

Isabelle just nodded and smiled slightly. "That I am."

Magnus narrowed his eyes. "Did you get laid?"

"Magnus!" Alec said, blushing fiercely with embarrassment.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Isabelle said and enjoyed the look on her brother's face.

"You did not," he said.

Isabelle rolled her eyes. "You're too easy," she said. "I was just talking to Clary."

"Oh," Magnus said. "Phone sex?"

"God, you have such a dirty mind," she replied. "I don't know how Alec puts up with you."

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Magnus said. Alec blushed harder.

Isabelle laughed, a golden happy feeling making her feel weightless. Despite the cold, gloomy weather outside, it already felt like summer.

/

Just as Isabelle had planned, they met again in summer.

Clary had driven out to New York, her heart beating excitedly with every mile she drew closer to Isabelle. Finally, she'd see her again. The year had passed far too slowly, so by the time it was (finally) summer, Clary was far too impatient and had gotten on the road the first moment she could. All she wanted was to be with Isabelle again.

Now, the moment was finally here.

"Clary!" Isabelle yelled out when Clary arrived.

Clary couldn't help but smile and walked over to Isabelle, barely able to contain her own excitement. They'd been talking on the phone more and more in the lead up to this day, ever since that fateful phone call. Everything felt like it was finally going back on track.

She hugged her best friend tightly, her heart thundering in her chest with excitement. Everything, finally, was coming together.

"I'm so glad you're here," Isabelle whispered in her ear.

"I'm glad I'm here too," Clary replied.

"Alright, don't start groping each other on the sidewalk, restraint, children," a voice said and Clary pulled away (but only slightly) to look up into the face of an Asian man with vividly blue spikey hair and chaotically beautiful clothing. He looked a world away from anything in Idris.

She assumed this must be Magnus Bane, Alec's boyfriend. She'd heard about him before, but only distantly. He was one of the stranger visitors to Idris, blowing in and out in the matter of about a month, taking Alec along with him. Isabelle's stories of New York often included him and Alec and whatever strange places they'd been.

Alec was there too, standing next to Magnus and holding his hand. He looked happier than Clary had ever seen him before. She waved. He waved back.

"That's something you would do," Isabelle shot back, but here tone was light.

Magnus only winked.

Clary laughed. She felt lighter than she had in months - it just felt so good to be here, finally somewhere else. The one place she wanted to be.

They walked into Magnus' apartment, which was every bit as wild as his clothing. It was different to what Isabelle had described before, so Clary assumed he'd redecorated.

"Welcome to my humble abode," Magnus said, though it was anything but humble.

"Wow," Clary said and tilted her head up at the ceiling, which was higher than anything she'd ever seen before. It was even taller than the barn back home.

"It is something," Isabelle said.

"So I keep trying to tell Alexander, but he thinks it's excessive," Magnus said.

"It is too much," Alec replied, but his tone was light.

This then began a back and forth flirting match between the two. Clary shifted, feeling awkward.

Then, Isabelle leaned down beside her and whispered in Clary's ear. "I think we should get out of here now," she said.

Clary smiled. "Sure, I've seen enough for now."

/

They ended up in Central Park, walking through the trees. The whole place felt a world away from the towering skyscrapers that Clary knew surrounded them. She itched to draw it all, to capture every image and save it up forever.

"It's amazing," Clary said, leaning her head against Isabelle's side. They were relatively alone in the park, with a few tourists wandering around nearby, snapping pictures of everything they came across and the odd jogger that passed.

"I thought you'd like it," Isabelle said. "It's so green here. I forget how much I miss being in places like this."

Clary nodded, but felt a mild twinge of discomfort at the mention of all the time that had past. It suddenly made her self-conscious. Could they still be the same as they were last summer? Or were they too different now?

"I just missed you," Clary said softly.

Isabelle reached out and squeezed Clary's hand. "I'm sorry," Isabelle said. "I wish it wasn't like that."

"It's over now," Clary said, shaking her head. "That's what matters."

Isabelle pulled back. "What do you mean?" she asked carefully.

Clary suddenly realised her words. "I mean, we're both here now. You're not so gone anymore."

Clary watched Isabelle and noticed how she relaxed slightly. She suddenly saw how nervous Isabelle had been, and maybe still was.

"Are we… still the same?" Isabelle asked. It was so unusual for her that Clary almost imagined she'd said it. Isabelle never really needed to ask for definitions of such things, she was usually the one doing the defining.

"If you want to be," Clary said after a pause. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest.

"I do," Isabelle said.

Uncaring of the tourists and such around them, Clary reached out and pulled Isabelle down for a kiss. Their lips met and it was like they were back on the lake again, kissing for the first time.

When they finally broke the kiss off, Clary leaned her forehead against Isabelle's. "I love you," she said simply.

"I … yeah, me too," Isabelle said, uncharacteristically blushing. Clary smiled. It wasn't quite the same, but it was something and she was okay with that. They had time to work it all out.

_We have time_, Clary thought joyfully to herself.

"Come on, let's go," Clary said. "It's gonna get dark soon."

Isabelle had a wicked look in her eye. "But not for a while. It's summer, after all."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Woo, that's it! I can't believe I've finished this fic. It's been my life for the past year and I really did mean to keep it short, but somehow, it really got away from me. But anyway, I hope you liked it. I certainly enjoyed writing it. **

**And as mentioned, this was written for the Femslash Big Bang, which you can find over on tumblr at femslashbigbang for more info on what that's all about. **


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